This is America, speak English or go back to your own country!!  How many Karens and Chads have you seen on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube, all harassing some poor bloke they overheard speaking Chinese, Spanish, Tagalog, Farsi, Arabic, Swahili, or Japanese at a Starbucks, a grocery store checkout line, a bank, or a McDonald’s restaurant as if the first language to reach the shores of the United States wasn’t actually French in 1535 before the Spanish got to our North American shores in 1565?  All that Christopher Columbus mumbo jumbo aside, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen or heard someone talk that trash I would have a jet with a pilot on 24 hour standby.  But I’m living in Japan, and this isn’t about back home at this particular moment.  I’ve been here for three years now and my Japanese still isn’t very good at all.  I can read and write a lot better than I can speak, but I understand a lot more than I realize sometimes.  In many ways, the Japanese are very different from us but in a lot of ways they’re a lot like us.  One thing that struck me was that although they’re taught English in the school systems here, they don’t speak it and think they don’t understand it.  They understand more than they’ll let on oftentimes. But try not to take that as a form of disrespect.  They’re afraid to make mistakes or perhaps sound stupid or ignorant.  I let them know that it’s okay to make mistakes, because that’s how you learn.  They too have the same opinion about us “Gaijin” making mistakes.  I’ve noticed that with the Japanese people, you don’t have to sound good.  The very fact that you put forth any effort to try speaking the language, and I mean any effort whatsoever.  They’ll love you for it and take it as a high form of respect for them, for their culture, and for their language.  Interestingly enough, and you’ll find this odd because I just got done telling you that they’re a lot like us right after starting this whole yammering diatribe by complaining about Karens and Chads who demand everyone in America speak English or take a long walk off a short plank in shark infested waters.  But the more fluent in Japanese you become, the less adorably cute you’ll find yourself to be here.  But if there is one thing that I know about the Japanese people, it’s this. The fact that they appear to be quite shy might be the understatement of the millennium.  But if you pass a Japanese man a microphone, you just might find yourself one heck of a ham who loves to sing.  Song and drinks are a somewhat common way that folks bond together over here.  If you’re anything like me, the most hammy ham pork rind in the bag, they’re going to love it.  If you’re a good singer, all the better.  You don’t have to be Freddie Mercury to make friends, but let me give you a slice of advice.  If you learn even one Japanese song, you’d be surprised just how many new friends you will earn, all of them eager to buy you the next round.

When COVID first began, before anyone was taking it seriously in either Japan or the United States just yet, of course.  They were holding auditions in Omihachiman for an NHK television show that had a professional band who could literally play any song you could pull out your bum and your job is to sing it before a live audience and panel of judges.  If you managed to make it through the whole song without being cut off, you could win.  At the very least you could win some local celebrity.  I auditioned for the show in front of an audience of over 500 people with a well known Japanese song, Jidai Okure.  I had them eating out of my hand.  But Mrs S told me I screwed the pooch when after my audition, when they asked me where I was from, like an idiot I answered, “Los Angeles.’  Apparently I was supposed to say the town that I actually hold Japanese residence.  They dismissed me as just a lowly tourist, and I lost my chance.  However, although all I got out of that audition was a t-shirt.  I get approached by men and women of all ages, asking me, “why do you have this shirt?”  When I tell them about the audition attempt, somehow they find it impressive that I even had the nerve to try.  Anytime a Gaijin tries over here, it’ll at the very least get you some kind of praise or conversation.  I’m quite popular when I sing at the Pig and Whistle from time to time or at various karaoke joints.  Learning the language here can get you far, earn you friends and connections that could lead you in directions that you never thought yourself headed.  But learning a Japanese song will send them to the moon and just might land you in the good graces of someone who just might want to introduce you to his or her friends.  I’m not saying that you’ll get sucked off over the Sukiyaki Song or that anyone is going to be your Papa Katsu (sugar daddy) for learning a pop song.  But you do realize, fellow L.A. Brass Monkey Karaoke Kings, that Karaoke originated in Japan, right??

Being that the world seems to finally be coming back to its senses (is it?) on this whole Coronamania. Japan appears to be taking baby-steps towards opening up its borders to allow tourists and potential new expats back in. Students have already begun their arrival, so we’re all hoping that things will take a turn back towards the normal. Given the dollar’s strength these days, the exchange rate has never been more in favor of dollar holders, and tourists as well as new long-stay expats could very well end up getting a lot more bang for their buck. Having been living in Japan for the past three years, I’ve come to find that aside from the whole no weed thing I have never felt more free in most of my life. Sure, there are numerous “rules” that you’re allegedly supposed to be following. But here’s the strange truth. The rules are simple, behave and have some integrity to follow the rules when nobody is looking. Remember that you’re still an outsider and you need to recognize that although you’re probably the only person actually following said rules, you still need to know them and definitely need to follow them, at least until you’ve become friendly with your local police and all your neighbors. But even then, I strongly suggest you keep right on following the rules. It goes like this. You have the law, the local rule, and then you have the unwritten rule that you’re supposed to simply know already. However, you’re going to notice some strange things at strange times, particularly on the road. For starters, you’re going to be driving on the left side of the road from the right side of the car. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it in no time at all. You’re going to come here starting out your first year driving on the International Driver’s License that you picked up from AAA in the USA before you came. Start studying the rules of the road right away. I’m not going to get into a whole driver’s education course here but I will tell you that there are a few things you need to know before you go.

Of all the signs you’re going to see, the most important one that you should know is the stop sign and you’ll see the same thing painted in pretty large on the pavement. Unlike not only the USA but in many other countries as well, the stop sign is not octagonal in Japan. It’s an upside-down triangle much similar to our “yield” sign. Above on the right is the closest thing to a yield sign there is, so remember that.

But back to the rules. Something you’re going to find out here is that nobody really follows the rules, specifically old people. I’m not saying this to be ageist, it’s a fact and anyone living here will tell you this as truth. It’s odd, but if there’s a stop sign. There’s a strong possibility that they won’t stop at the stop sign and if there isn’t a stop sign and you happen to be sitting at one, the will stop for you to go. They really are just trying to be polite, so try not to get too frustrated. Just wave and motion for them to keep going and they’ll likely wave back and go. Just remember that you need to be careful in neighborhoods because they’re not following the rules, especially if there’s no cop to be seen.

Bare this in mind when driving, take note of the stickers that you see on cars. It will help you to remain mindful on the road.

New drivers are compelled to have the above left sticker on the front and back of their car for a period of one year after they’ve earned their driver’s license. Personally, I’ve found the testing process for earning your driver’s license to be interesting. There was an actual driver’s course where you are testing with people who are testing for their taxi, bus, motorcycle, or trucking licenses at the same time. It’s relatively common for people to fail their test on the first 2 or 3 attempts. But they do allow people to practice on the course on off days and on testing days, applicants are permitted to physically walk through the driving course at the beginning of the testing day. Elderly drivers usually have one of the two above right stickers on their car. Give them a wide berth. There are also stickers for hard of hearing, handicapped, and drivers in training that you should be aware of. I’d also cut them some slack and remember to be cautious around care you see with the following stickers below.

These are only a few things to keep in mind. But these aren’t the only rules new expats, students, and tourists need to be mindful of. These are merely some road rules. I’ll be posting some other rules in more posts down the line. But if you’re going to be coming here and want to get out to see more of the country itself, it’s a good idea to get accustomed to driving here.

Of all the numerous rules that you’re going to find yourself be expected to follow.  It’s not as hard as you might suspect it to be, and you might also find yourself being smiled and nodded at for simply doing them without anyone telling you to.  Even if you notice that so many people around you don’t follow the rules around here, follow them and you’ll look like a champ in the end.

On public transportation:

Whether it’s on the train or on the bus, you don’t need to be lounging big dick style like you’re king ding-a-ling, For the love of God, close your damn legs already.  It’s a definite no-no to be sitting spread-eagle like you’ve got the biggest dick on the bus.  Every once in awhile, you might run into a Japanese male of a certain age who sits on the train like he’s got the biggest dick in the world.  Don’t look at that as a call for yourself to do the same.  Trust me, the locals don’t like him either.    Tallywhackers aside, here’s another thing to keep in mind.  If you just so happen to be wearing a backpack.  You are expected to wear it on your front on the train or subway during the busy times, and it does get busy to the point that they literally have guys who shove people into the train cars packed like sardines.

Food, yay or nay? 

On the bus, it’s a definite no-no.  There is no eating on the bus, and I wouldn’t drink either.  But I doubt anyone will look at you funny if you’re just drinking from a bottle of water.  On the train, I will admit that there are people who give you mixed reports.  I heard Josh Rogin on an interview with Joe Rogan, talking about how his Dad was eating food on the train even though he told him that you’re not supposed to do that.  Sure, he worked for Asahi Shinbun (major newspaper in Japan), but that doesn’t mean he’s correct in this assumption.  If they had a problem with people eating food on the train, there wouldn’t be food vending stations on the actual platform.  You are, however, expected to take your garbage with you.  Yes, you’re going to notice that there are practically next to zero garbage cans just about anywhere you go.  But I can assure you that 99.8% of the people here either take their garbage home with them or they drop it off in their local train station when they arrive at their destinations.

Men & women: 

Gentlemen:

This means you, white boy, and I cannot stress this enough.  Keep your eyes in your head.  If you’re new here, you’re going to see a lot of pretty women just about everywhere you go.  I’ll make this simple for you.  Firstly, learn to use reflective surfaces to look at the ladies and learn to be bashful and look away quickly if she catches you looking.  Do not stare.  Not only is it extremely impolite, but there’s another thing that you need to wrap your head around and I’m being 100% serious about this.  You’re in Japan now, this is not the United States.  You will never in  your life encounter a larger percentage of creepy males on a per-capita basis like you will here.  In many cases, it’s shyness and social anxiety.  But in many cases, it’s just straight up creepiness.  Don’t make yourself just one more motherfucker that Japanese women have got to be creeped out by or made to feel uncomfortable around.  Secondly, and probably should be firstly, but if you are on a crowded train or subway.  I strongly recommend being around mostly men and keeping your distance from the ladies.  Of, if you cannot, try to ride with both hands visible to anyone and everyone at all times. Don’t get yourself into a jackpot situation because there is always a possibility of you getting singled out when it could very well be the innocent looking guy nearby you.  Remember this, you’re the Gaijin, we get all the blame for anything that happens around here. 

Ladies:

Take this to heart and know that I mean it from the heart.  If you can avoid riding the trains or subways during rush-hour periods in Japan, do it.  If you have no choice and absolutely must ride during rush-hours, just remember that in the big cities there are women only train cars, ride them.  JR East and Tokyo Metro Company have women-only rail-cars roughly between 7AM – 9:30AM.  This could differ here and there, but take advantage of it.  JR West and portions of the metro services in Osaka and Nagoya have women-only rail-cars operating all day long.  I’m not going to get into a whole op-ed on sexual assault in Japan on this particular post.  I’m sure I will at some point along the way as I continue on this blogging adventure.  Just know that it’s a thing here and that the police here aren’t exactly what any normal people from Western Civilization would call “helpful” when it comes to sexual assault in Japan.  Be aware at all times and keep your wits about you.  They literally had to compel the Apple Corporation to only sell phones in Japan that make the camera-click sound even when sound is turned off.  That’s how out of control the creepos are in this country.  Note below on the right, beware of perverts signs are kinda all over the place.

Note From Author:

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